


you're the mystery i can't solve

by sanskrits



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, F/F, Kissing, M/M, Minor Simon Snow/Agatha Wellbelove, Murder Mystery, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Friendship, Pining, Road Trips, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-02-04 20:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanskrits/pseuds/sanskrits
Summary: Basilton Pitch and Penelope Bunce are rivals. After all, they work for rival detective agencies: Pitch P.I. and Mage Mysteries are fierce competitors.At least, that's what everyone thinks. In truth, they're very good friends. (According to Simon and Agatha, maybe something more. But they don't do detective work for a reason.)Or, the detective!AU that absolutely no one asked for.





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vivelapluto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivelapluto/gifts).



> For Noor; I love you, and I hope you enjoy this fic!  
> This is going to be a pretty long fic: 17k words in its glory. This fic should hopefully be updated every Saturday. I hope you all like it!  
> Talk to me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz and Penny run rival detective agencies, but they're not really rivals outside of office hours.

“I’m so fucking  _ tired  _ of how perfect she is. I mean, it’s inhuman,” Penelope is saying between sips of tea. “How can one woman be so beautiful?”

Baz sighs. “Being straight would be so much easier. I feel like Wellbelove has a thing for me. Last time I came by she was smiling an awful lot.”

“Easier,” admits Penny, swinging her legs from her vantage point atop Baz’s desk, “but so much less fun.” Luckily, Penny is a dear and chooses to ignore the latter part of his sentence. (It’s probably not the most tactful move to mention the straightness of Penelope’s crush. For him, her gay partner-in-bitching.)

“Right you are,” Baz concedes. “There’s hardly a point to life if you’re not a chaotic gay drama queen.”

“I don’t know what people who have their lives together do with their time. The least trustworthy kind of person, if you ask me,” says Penny. Her legs are still swinging, and from his seat in his chair on the ground — because his parents raised him with manners, thank you very much — he wonders how she’s keeping her tea in its cup. It must be some sort of magical Indian people power; Penelope was pretty much raised on  _ chai _ .

But it bothers him enough for him to speak up about it, because he’ll be damned if Penelope gets tea all over his beautiful mahogany desk. It’s been passed through generations of Pitch detectives with little more than a scratch on it and his ancestors might curse at him from hell if he were to get it dirty. 

“Penelope, darling, light of my life and precious gem of my soul,” he says, “stop swinging your fucking legs or my ancestors will throw spit on you from a special spot in hell. If you get  _ chai  _ on that table I’m not going to be held liable for any damage; it’s practically a family heirloom.”

To her credit, she stops, but says, “Fuck your family, too. I’m sure there’s a reason they’re in hell.”

“There are plenty,” Baz quips. “But also, do me a favor and get off my desk while you’re at it, I’ve some casework to finish. You can sit on Dev’s. He’s not even here to say no.”

“Fine,” she huffs, and slides off the desk in a manner so wholly undignified that Baz’s mother is rolling in her grave.

Then Baz realizes he is thinking about his mother’s grave, which is the problem he’s avoiding this week. So he focuses back on Penny. Somewhat.

She continues her mini-rant about Agatha when she sits down, glaring at her tea like it’s betrayed her. Baz half-listens, nodding along occasionally, waiting for his own turn as he neatly pens in the information for his casework.

“I just. Her smile. I’m so gone for her smile. First of all, her teeth are perfectly straight and white, which shouldn’t be possible without some sort of cosmetic surgery, and I’ve known her since primary school so I know she hasn’t got any. It’s so unfair. And she’s so straight and completely out of my league…”

Baz wants to tell her to forget about fucking Agatha and realize she’s not worth it. It kind of kills him to hear Penny talk this way about herself, like she’s not worth the universe and more. On these days he kind of hates Agatha Wellbelove for doing this to her and not even realizing.

But on the other hand, Baz knows exactly how it feels and does the exact same thing when he talks about Simon. He and Penelope are just engaging in dramatic gay and lesbian solidarity. If Penny wants to talk about how completely perfect Wellbelove’s teeth are, he’s not going to stop her.

“You’re talking about leagues,” he says instead. “I’m so far out of Simon’s league it’s laughable. He’s this good and fucking pure soul. Who  _ hates  _ me. At least you and Agatha are friends. I’ve just been resigned to gay pining from a distance. And I’m completely pathetic.”

He sighs and stares at the paper in front of him. The words are beginning to swim, so he turns away from them to take a break.

“To be fair,” Penny tries, “I’m 50 percent sure Simon’s not completely straight.”

“Those aren’t very good odds,” Baz points out. “You have terrible gaydar.”

Penny doesn’t deign to respond to that. Instead she takes a long, drawn out sip of her tea as if she’s proving a point, which she’s not.

“We really should do something besides sit in this cold ass office and pine. Seriously, how are you not freezing?” she asks, and gets up to turn on the heat, vibrant red hair swishing behind her. 

“I’m always freezing. You get used to it.”

“You live an extremely sad life.”

“I’m well aware.”

“I meant it, you know. We need to get out of here. Get over our big fat crushes. Do something useful.”

“Maybe I’m perfectly content to wallow in my misery.”

“Maybe you’re a coward.”

“That, too.”

— 

When Fiona Pitch wants something it’s best to just give it to her. Because she usually takes it and Baz usually doesn’t like how.

Today she barges into the Pitch P.I. offices with a cup of coffee in her hand and a smile on her face and a spring in her step. That usually means she’s up to no good.

“Fi,” Baz greets. “Is there anything you need?”

“Just checking up on my favorite nephew,” she replies. Baz isn’t really sure if she means it or not, because he’s not sure what it is she could want: she hasn’t expressed interest in the recent cases and she really only comes here for the scoop on cases.

“I’m not sure I believe that.”

“Well, it’s true,” says Fiona with a large Cheshire Cat smile. Baz doesn’t trust that smile.

“You’re a horrible liar.”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“I know. Now tell me what you want.”

Baz knows she doesn’t have business or she’d be asking to see Niall or Dev. They handle the business aspects of it all. Baz just solves crime and fills out the occasional bit of casework. Dev handles most of what’s on paper and Niall does the accounting. It’s a solid system. Fiona just likes to pop in whenever she wants to ruin it.

“As you know,” she says, “it’s getting very close to a certain important date. I just wanted to make sure everything’s alright in here for it.”

The certain important date is, of course, what he’s been trying not to think about for the past two weeks. Fuck what Fiona says, he’s not going to acknowledge it unless he absolutely has to because that’s the day everything went to shit.

_ You’re thinking about it, _ he chides himself.  _ Stop that now.  _

“Everything’s fine,” Baz says, trying to convince himself more than anything.

Fiona fixes him with a Look that tells him she can see right through him. “Sure about that, boyo?” Baz cringes at the nickname. It’s old and makes him feel like a little kid.

“I’m sure,” he forces himself to say.

(Nothing is fine. His mother died and left everything in her wake a mess and Baz still needs her, all these years later. But he doesn’t say this because Fiona does too, and one of them needs to be strong, after all.)


	2. ii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz needs to talk to Penny, and Simon and Agatha do a little detective work of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize I said I was going to update every Saturday, but I've been super excited to update this fic and I just couldn't help myself. So you'll get updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  
> You can talk to me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Simon’s minding his own business and managing Penny’s accounts (most of which consist of her  _ chai  _ expenditures) when Basilton Pitch strides into the offices, completely uninvited, acting like he owns the place.

He’s immediately suspicious of his motives because he trusts none of the Pitches and certainly not the lead detective of Pitch P.I. They’ve been around Watford and fucking things up for longer, or so David says, and he doubts he’s lying about it. 

Basilton, for one, is a tosser, and he’s a posh twat on a good day. Simon is half-convinced he’s a vampire. Mostly because he looks incredibly similar to one, with his sharp widow’s peak, pale skin, straight nose, and generally severe appearance. It’s like Dracula was inspired by him.

“I need to speak with Penelope,” he says immediately when he gets in. He doesn’t even stop to taunt Simon, which he normally does. Says something about his unimportance and how even the Pitches’ accountant can help with detective work. The fucking prick.

“What do you want with her?” asks Simon. He doesn’t leave an ounce of hostility out of his tone.

“I need to  _ speak  _ with her,” Basilton repeats. 

“She’s not in,” Simon lies. Penny’s in the bathroom. “You can leave a message.”

Basilton narrows his eyes. “I’d rather wait,” he says. 

“Don’t want to make death threats in public?”

“Are you aware,” Basilton says, sounding like he’s speaking to a toddler, “that my job is to solve crime, not commit it?”

Simon resents that tone. And he resents the fact that Pitch thinks detectives can’t be shady sons of bitches, seeing as Pitch is one himself. “Doesn’t mean you can’t kill someone.”

With a purse of his lips, Basilton says, “Fine. Then leave her a message and tell her to come down to my office when she’s free.”

Simon has no intentions to leave any messages. He wants Pitch the fuck out of here. “I’ll make sure she gets it.”

Basilton sneers, “Thank you very much, Mr. Snow,” and turns to leave with a scowl. As the bell on the door jingles to signify his leave, Simon wonders what it is that he wants. What he needs to speak to Penny about.

It can’t be anything good.

— 

Baz hates Simon Snow so much. Why does he have to be so…

Annoying? (Cute?) Dumb? (Lovable?)

Baz doesn’t know how well they’d get on if he wasn’t a Pitch and Snow didn’t work for David Mage. He’s not exactly sure what transpired between Mage and his family, but they’ve never been fond of each other. Some sort of Montague and Capulet-esque rivalry.

That would make him Romeo and Snow Juliet. In a world where Snow thought of him as anything but his rival. (Baz has never liked  _ Romeo and Juliet  _ anyway. They fell too hard and too fast and paid the price in the end. That’s probably why he doesn’t like the story: it reminds him too much of himself.)

In a perfect world, Simon Snow would look at him and think he was handsome and he’d talk about how winsome he was to all his friends but mask all of those feelings behind a scowl and hateful words. And when he learned how Baz really felt he’d shed that mask and take Baz in his arms and kiss his lips off.

But this is not a fairy tale nor a perfect world. In this story, Baz is the villain and he’s nothing more than a Pitch to Snow. And Baz can never be anything but a Pitch. He is no Romeo, willing to cast aside his mother and his family and his name for something like love.

He’s said things like this in his head to convince himself. Simon Snow should love all parts of him or he doesn't love Baz at all. But the bitter truth is Simon Snow loves none of Baz, anyway. So it doesn’t matter, in the end, if Baz is Romeo or not.

He’s a Pitch.

And Pitches stay strong. Pitches value family. Pitches certainly don’t love. And they definitely do not love followers of David Mage.

(Thinking too much about the Pitch name makes Baz think about his mother. And he doesn’t want to think about her, so he settles for thinking about Simon Snow. And he doesn’t want to think about him, either, so he tries to settle for cases until he’s solved them all and then he goes back to thinking about things he doesn’t want to think about and it’s a vicious fucking cycle of his own making.)

— 

Pitch returns the next day. This time Agatha is also in the office with Simon, and this makes him a little bit more annoyed for reasons he doesn’t want to think about. 

“Mr. Snow,” he greets. “Did you pass along my message to Penelope?”

“No, I didn’t,” says Simon honestly. “You see, I don’t trust you.”

“This is business,” Basilton sneers. 

“What kind of business?”

“Not yours.”

“Funny,” Simon mocks. “I’d say it’s exactly my business, seeing as I’ve got to pass it all down.”

Basilton is clearly reaching the end of his rope. “Will you just tell Penelope I’ve to speak with her and it’s urgent?”

“Only if you tell me what’s so urgent.”

Agatha purses her lips, watching the conversation between them in silence. She looks like she’s contemplating saying something — Simon would rather she not, because he doesn’t know if she’ll take his side or Pitch’s. 

“Simon,” she says in a falsely cordial tone, “would you be a dear and check the copy room? I think I’d printed something.”

Simon grits his teeth, says, “Of course,” and reluctantly gets up and goes to the copy room. It’s not really a  _ copy room,  _ with its lone printer and clunky old Windows 7 desktop computer. In a completely surprising turn of events, nothing is printing and Agatha has sent him here so she can have a little chat with Pitch without him.

When he gets back, Basilton’s gone. 

“What’d you do that for?” he asks her.

Agatha rolls her eyes. “Honestly, Simon. Give him a break. It’s clear they’re fucking.”

Simon nearly chokes on his own spit. “ _ What? _ ”

“‘Urgent business?’” Agatha mocks, using finger quotes. “Of course there’s business, but it’s not as professional as he’s making it seem. He and Penny are pursuing a forbidden love affair against the pressure from the leaders of their rival detective agencies. Intellectual rivalries,” Agatha says with a wink, “always make for the most sexual tension.”

Somehow, what she’s saying makes sense. And, come to think of it, Penny’s been gone on errands for awfully long lately…

“Christ,” Simon says in realization. “They  _ are  _ fucking.”


	3. iii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Agatha grow closer, Penny and Baz indulge in dramatic misery, and Baz takes an important step with Dev and Niall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and love! It really means a lot to me.  
> (That being said, this chapter may frustrate you.)  
> As always, talk to me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

“Agatha,” Simon says, probably for the fifth time. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner. You’re a genius.”

“All I did was have eyes,” she responds. 

“In my defense, I’m not a detective.”

Agatha shrugs. “That’s fair. But God, when Pitch was all like…”

“…I need to  _ speak  _ with Penelope…” 

“Exactly! I almost  _ lost it.  _ The only speaking they’d be doing is moaning…”

“I don’t need those kinds of thoughts in my head,” says Simon with a shudder.

“Let’s get back to work,” Agatha advises. Her voice is sage and wise, like she knows all the secrets of the universe. “If Penny comes back and we haven’t done anything then she’ll be in an even worse mood.”

“Why would she be in a bad mood?” Simon asks. “There’s nothing for her to be mad about, we get lazy all the time.”

Agatha sighs and rolls her eyes as if telling the universe,  _ This idiot.  _ “Because we sent Basilton away without her. So obviously they’re not doing it right now and Penny would be sad because she hasn’t gotten laid by her secret lover.”

“That is some  _ 1984 _ bullshit,” Simon comments.

“You read that book?” asks Agatha. Simon is a little offended by how surprised she sounds. He reads old books sometimes. Granted, he read  _ 1984  _ because he had to in college and the weird love affair was something that stood out to him. But that’s beside the point.

“I read things,” he defends. 

Agatha just shakes her head at him and Simon’s struck by just how beautiful she looks in this moment. She always looks beautiful; Simon would know, he’s been working with her since Penny started with Mage Mysteries. The three of them were signed on at the same time. A trio of sorts. 

Since then, Agatha has always sort of fascinated him. She’s just otherworldly.

In a good way, of course. Everything about Agatha is good. She’s part of what makes the office so lively — she and Simon are nowhere near Penny’s level of intellect, and while Agatha is technically her assistant, it’s mostly Penny doing the heavy lifting. 

Simon is terrible with everything but numbers. So he crunches them and Agatha pokes through cases on her laptop and it feels a little like home. Safe.

And maybe what he’s about to do is the very definition of  _ not safe _ , but it’s worth a shot. Agatha’s worth that shot. She’s perfect. And Simon wants perfect; Simon wants her.

“Ags?” Simon asks. “Would you — would you maybe want to get dinner tomorrow? Or go for drinks or — something that says  _ first date _ ? I don’t know what you do on first dates. And now I’m rambling, see.” Simon takes a deep breath, mostly to shut his mouth. “What I’m saying is, will you go on a date with me?”

Agatha spins around in her chair, away from her laptop. She’s looking at the surely constipated expression on his face, and her own eyes twinkle with mirth. 

“Drinks sound good, Simon,” she says with a smile, and it’s so infectious that Simon is grinning right back at her and things are kind of perfect.

—

“You have  _ got  _ to make better excuses than that!” Penny says, hand halfway to her mouth. Baz gazes at her fries longingly.

“What was I supposed to say?” he demands. “‘Oh, I’m looking for Penelope so we can have gay bitching sessions about our enormous, pathetic crushes on you.’ I’m sure that would go over very well.”

Penny sighs. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I know you did your best. Knowing Agatha, she probably came to an entirely wrong conclusion. She kind of sucks at detective work.”

Baz chuckles at that. “I wouldn’t know that about Dev, he just sits there and takes dumb ass notes he throws away two weeks later. He’s only at cases because he’s a Grimm.”

“Cases,” Penny groans. “I have another one to file back at the office. And with Simon and Agatha making their bug-eyes at each other — what did I do to deserve this?”

“Bug-eyes?” asks Baz, intrigued. “What happened? Tell me everything.”

“Simon asked Agatha out,” she explains. “And she said yes. So they’ve been eye-fucking all day, I had to get out of there.”

Baz slumps, cradling his head in his hands. “God. We’re officially fucked.”

“We were always fucked.”

“I said  _ officially. _ ”

Penny angrily grabs another fry out of the tray; all the rooms at Pitch P.I. smell like fries from McDonald’s now, and Baz can’t find it in himself to be mad about it.

“Why did we have to fall for the straightest people alive?” she wonders between bites. “So annoying.”

“I’m never going back to your offices,” Baz tells her. “So I never have to look at Snow’s face again.”

“You have it easier,” she says. “It’s not like you work with Simon. Agatha’s my field partner.”

“You could always fire her,” Baz suggests. He grabs another fry with a little more force than necessary. “Or you could set her on fire. That works too.”

“Baz!” 

“I’m kidding.”

“I know. I’m just mad that the universe is  _ royally  _ playing with us,” Penny complains again.

“I need tea to deal with this,” Baz decides, standing up. “Should I make you a cup?”

“What the fuck do you think?”

— 

David’s back in the office. Simon had kind of predicted this, because whenever something happens with the Pitches he always decides to show up again. And Basilton Pitch showing up at the office is probably reason enough; usually, David’s perfectly content to let Penny run the show.

“Good morning, Simon,” he says good-naturedly as he walks in. “Where’s Penelope? I need to speak with her.”

That sentence reminds him a lot of what Pitch had said a few days ago. It unsettles Simon a little. 

“It’s a good day,” he replies. “But Penny’s out” — probably with Basilton Pitch, but Simon doesn’t mention that — “and she said something about groceries. I’ll let her know you dropped by.”

Simon is lying through his teeth, of course. But he’s sure Penny will appreciate it because somehow he doubts she wants her boss prying into her love life. 

He’s not really sure what she sees in Pitch. Maybe it’s the face. He’s attractive, Simon will admit.

It’s probably the face. Definitely not the personality.

—

“Baz,” Niall asks him later at the office, “how are things with Penelope Bunce?”

Shit. How’d he know?

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” Baz says warily. 

Dev is looking up from his computer, giving Baz a killer side-eye. “Are you serious?”

“About what?” Baz asks again, trying to act clueless. It’s clearly not working with them.

Niall’s eyes, normally bright blue and wide open, have narrowed significantly. “Come on, mate. Give it up. We all know you’re dating her.”

Wait — 

“You think I’m dating her?” he asks, actually clueless this time.

Dev looks unimpressed. “Anyone with eyes can  _ see  _ that you’re dating her.”

“Anyone with eyes can also  _ see  _ that I’m gay.” 

Dev and Niall both adopt the same expression, mouths open in perfect O shapes. 

“Oh,” Niall says. “Wait. That makes no sense.”

“Then why have you been sneaking around with her and acting like you’re fucking?” Dev asks, face cocked to one side in confusion.

“Because we have rivaling bosses,” Baz explains. “We’re friends. And we’ve got to sneak around to talk to each other or everyone’s going to think something’s up.”

“You act like we’re not stellar company,” Niall says, placing a hand on his heart in mock hurt. 

“You act like you’re not also stellar dumbasses,” Baz quips. “Come on. You’d never want to talk about books or politics over tea.”

Dev shrugs. “You’ve got us there.”

All things considered, they’re taking this surprisingly well. Baz still feels a little bad, though, because this feels like telling Dev and Niall that he doesn’t value their company. Which is not true at all. He loves hanging out with them and feeling like he has a break from his overwhelming gay panic over Simon Snow. And he likes talking football with them too. Dev and Niall are fun people and Baz really feels like himself with them, able to let loose. Not that he can’t do that with Penelope either, but there’s something different about just being with the guys.

“But,” he adds, “Penelope hates football. She’s not perfect, either.”

Dev and Niall are grinning wildly at him. “Nothing like football nights,” says Dev.

“Nothing beats the lads,” Niall agrees.

“Don’t ever say that again,” Baz says with a groan.

But Baz can’t help but smile too. This is pretty good. He’s lucky to have Dev and Niall, and they haven’t said shit about him being gay, haven’t made a big deal about things. They’re just — good men. That’s what they are.

“See, he’s smiling, the bastard,” Dev laughs.

Baz finds himself laughing too and Niall joins in and it’s kind of wonderful.


	4. iv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Ebeneza Petty is murdered, Pitch P.I. and Mage Mysteries both find each other on the scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late! I hope you enjoy this chapter.  
> Find me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

When Simon heard Penny on the phone with the police, he’d assumed there was another case happening. When Penny told him to come along too, it was a little out of the ordinary but nothing weird — Simon watches her solve cases sometimes, purely because he can’t spend the whole day crunching numbers.

They’re lead outside a bar called Ebb’s and it looks like a homely place, overall: not the kind of place one would expect a murder to happen. The police show up and Simon hears them give Penny the whole spiel about how they’re so glad she came and that this case is a complete anomaly. The usual; everything to be expected.

But the one thing he doesn’t expect is for the whole Pitch P.I. crew to be there either.

He raises his eyebrows at Agatha when they both find Pitch at the scene. He watches Penny closely, and she seems a little weirded out by his presence, but she’s not salivating at the mouth for her boyfriend either.

Simon’s not sure why he expects her to be. Penny’s not the type to do that, anyway.

Basilton’s got gloves on and is turning a woman’s neck over: she is short-haired, blond, and ashen with death.

He must see something he’s familiar with or at least isn’t comfortable with; he turns her neck back over almost immediately. He looks relatively unsettled as he stands back up and takes a small notepad out of his pocket, scrawling notes in it, no doubt.

Simon’s not really sure what to do — he’s not a detective, after all — so he just hangs back and watches Basilton Pitch’s brows furrow even more with every word he writes and his skin turn paler than might be humanly possible. Simon has always suspected Pitch is a little inhuman. He looks a lot like a vampire.

But Simon knows one thing: Pitch has some knowledge he doesn’t. It’s the only reason this could be so off-putting to him. Something’s wrong here, because Penny’s having her look at the body and she doesn’t seem pale and anxious.

Agatha is peering over Penny’s shoulder trying to get a better look and the Pitch clan keeps to themselves, so the whole affair is rather sordid, and Simon would like nothing better than to get out.

He doesn’t fancy looking at the dead body near him, so he settles for observing the Pitch detectives to make sure they don’t try anything. Basilton might be dating Penny, but that doesn’t mean he’s to be trusted. Right now he looks almost scared, Simon thinks. Not scared, really, but his expression is nervous and definitely not that of the posh wanker he knows.

He doesn’t understand why. Basilton’s a Pitch and they’re all cold, unfeeling gits. He’s got nothing to be scared of. Nothing that should affect him this much.

And yet…

—

Baz needs to get it together because Simon Snow is watching him and he’s probably getting suspicious. But he can’t stop the dread rushing through him, nor can he control the memories.

Of course, right when Baz had been on the track to forgetting about the Date, a new pile of shit comes along to remind him that his mother’s ghost has always been here and doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon.

The marks on the woman’s neck. Her name, the police had said, was Ebeneza Petty. And it looks like she died of a vampire bite.

He remembers the day his own mother died. Someone had broken into the Watford School, where she used to teach, and injected her with drugs in the nursery; before she died, she managed to kill her attacker by injecting what was left of the drugs into them.

He has vague memories of being in the nursery when it happened, flashes of her bronze skin and dark hair and screams. But the one thing that really stuck was the marks. There were two syringes and when she tore them out of herself to use on her assailant, they looked like a vampire had taken her as its next meal.

This looks entirely too similar for it not to be a coincidence. Natasha Grimm-Pitch’s assailant had to be sent by someone — and it looks like they’re striking again now.

And Baz doesn’t know if he can stop it this time. When his mother had died, he was five years old and couldn’t do anything if he tried. But now he’s lead detective of Pitch P.I. and if he can’t do anything to stop whoever murdered Ebeneza Petty now, then he is a failure. Plain and simple.

That train of thought isn’t a particularly healthy one and Baz doesn’t want to break down in front of people, so he forces his mind away from the situation at hand and focuses instead on Simon Snow, who might be trying to burn a hole in Baz with the intensity of his glare.

He meets Snow’s gaze and quirks up an eyebrow in response, trying to pretend he isn’t completely shaken by Ebeneza’s death. It makes Snow shake his head and catches him off-guard, at least, so that’s something.

What Baz really needs is some proper space to think this through. Go over the clues, go over reports, look through this place without other people. He can hear Penelope and Agatha chattering somewhere behind him, but it’s dim in the haze of his thoughts, so he decides to peruse the area instead. Outside of the bar itself is a narrow street and Baz is pretty sure going too far back will lead him into an alley of sorts he doesn’t want to be in. This place is more secluded than one would expect a bar to be; it doesn’t seem like something that would provide the owner with a lot of people or money.

Baz is just standing outside of Ebb’s, wondering where he should go next, when the door slams shut behind him to reveal none other than Simon Snow.

Of fucking course.

“What do you know?” he demands. “I know you’re hiding something. You’ve got to give it up.”

—

Pitch narrows his eyes and sneers. “I don’t know what you want, Mr. Snow, but I don’t have the answers you’re looking for.”

“Oh, no, I think you do,” Simon replies. He is not leaving without finding out what Pitch is up to.

Pitch’s expression turns even icier, if that’s possible. “How about you leave the detective work to Penelope,” he suggests with false sweetness, “and keep working on those bills?”

“I’d say I’m a pretty good detective,” Simon quips. “I figured out you’re fucking Penny, after all.”

“You figured out what?” Somehow, he actually sounds confused as if his talk about “urgent business” wasn’t a dead giveaway.

“I said what I said. You’re screwing Penny.”

“That’s irrelevant and also untrue,” Pitch denies. “How about you quit trying to play smart and just fuck off? You don’t know what’s happening here. Just face it. You are fucking clueless.”

Simon knows Basilton’s a massive prick. He knows this and yet those words hurt.

“Like you know so much more than me.”

“Just stay in your lane, Simon Snow. Stick to crunching Penelope’s numbers, because at the end of the day, you’re no detective.” Pitch is scowling down at Simon and in this moment, he feels impossibly small. “You know nothing about detective work: tell me, do you even know the victim’s name?”

No, it strikes him just then. He doesn’t.

“Ebeneza Petty, by the way,” Pitch says, sneering, as he turns around to leave. “That was her name.”

He takes a few steps before Simon’s got the sense to speak. “We’re not done here, you know!” he calls out.

Pitch isn’t close enough for Simon to reply. But he thinks he might have heard, “Oh, we are. Go back inside, Mr. Snow.”

Simon really doesn’t know what Penny sees in him. Is she aware she’s dating the biggest fucking wanker on the planet?

 


	5. v.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dev and Niall are motivational. Penny is suspicious and in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Dev, Niall, and Baz with all my heart so I had to give them personalities. On a side note, Dev Grimm is not white because Dev is a common South Asian name and I truly believe Rainbow Rowell was throwing us that bone. :')  
> Yell at me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

When the team has returned to the office, Baz braces himself for Dev and Niall’s relentless questioning. They are good men, and wouldn’t say anything in public, but now that they’re in the safety of the office he’s sure to get grilled.

“What the fuck was that, Baz?” Dev asks.

“You seem out of it,” adds Niall.

It’s like they’ve practiced it. Baz wouldn’t put it past them. 

“I’m fine,” he responds automatically, even though the situation cannot be further from fine. 

Dev and Niall fix him with identical  _ You’re being stupid  _ looks. 

“Clearly not fine,” says Dev. “You were so fucking pale. I didn’t know you could get paler.”

“Baz, whatever this is troubling you,” Niall says, voice tinged with concern. “You can tell us.”

Baz sighs. This is not a secret that’s supposed to be kept, anyway. And Dev and Niall are going to keep pressing.

“The lady that was murdered. Ebeneza Petty. I think she died in the same way as my mother did.”

Dev’s eyes might pop out of their sockets if they get any wider.

“What?” Niall sputters.

“My mom — she died with drugs injected into her. Two syringes. And when they were taken out they looked almost like vampire bites. And I saw the same thing on the woman’s neck,” Baz explains.

“Oh my God,” Dev breathes. 

“So it had to be the same person,” Niall concludes. “And now they’re back.”

“I don’t know if I can stop it,” Baz confesses. “I couldn’t do anything the last time but if I fail this time — then I really shouldn’t be here.”

Dev seems to snap out of whatever trance he’s in and says, “Fuck off with that. You are  _ meant  _ to be here, and you’re a fucking Pitch. You haven’t been born to the best detective family or been trained for this all your life to just not find this person. You’ll get them, Baz. And we’ll be right here when you do.”

Okay, Dev has no business giving Baz a rousing speech when right now is the point where the team is supposed to get depressed.

Baz isn’t really sure what to say. This is incredibly touching. Dev is  _ not  _ supposed to be making him more emotional than he already is.

“I — thank you. It means a lot, Dev.”

Niall smiles. “Look at him. All emotional.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Baz snaps. 

Niall’s grin doesn’t falter. “You know you love me.”

He’s right. Baz only says, “Back to business, then,” in a horrible attempt to divert the conversation.

If it’s even possible, Niall’s smile gets wider.

“Whatever it is,” says Dev, “we’ve got to find out who’s doing this.”

“Well, what do we know about the victim?” asks Niall.

Baz pulls out the file on her that the police gave him from his bag. “Ebeneza Petty, 29, ran the bar she was murdered at. Not much about her — seems like a nice woman.” Baz frowns, flipping through the file. What reason would there be to murder a nice lady like her? “Wait: there’s a brother, named Nicodemus.”

“We go to him, then,” Dev decides.

“Well, obviously. Says here he works at a bar in Covent Garden,” Baz reads.

“What is it with this family and bartending?” Niall mutters. 

“I guess we’re going to party, lads,” Baz announces. 

“Drinks are on me,” says Dev, smiling.

Good. Baz doesn’t want to pay for them, anyway.

—

Penny’s surprised when David comes by the office, because he usually never does. Normally, David Mage is content to let Penny run the show and do all the work — which is just fine with her, anyway, because she kind of hates him.

He hasn’t done anything to make her hate him, really. It’s just that he’s a little controlling and also condescending, constantly feeding his anti-Pitch rhetoric to Simon, who believes everything David says.

The Pitches aren’t really that bad. Honestly, Penny doesn’t even know why David is feuding with the Pitch family. Maybe it’s just that they’re competition or something.

When David strolls in, Penny hears Agatha sigh behind her. Penny’s dislike of David is one of the things she actually managed to pick up on.

It’s kind of adorable.

David walks up to Penny’s desk and it strikes her again how  _ ridiculous  _ he looks clad in green everyday. At least, this is what she assumes, because he’s always wearing green every time he comes in.

“Penelope,” he says, nodding. “How are you today?”

“Good, thank you,” she replies. “Got a new case,” she adds, because she knows it’s what he wants to hear.

Sure enough, his eyes light up at that. “A case? What about?”

Something tells her he knows all about the case. But she says, “There was a woman murdered with drugs, I believe, but there’s no way to know for sure without the autopsy. Name was Ebeneza Petty.”

Something shifts in David’s face at that. It sets Penny on edge. She’s never trusted David — she’s only here for the money — and she’s not about to start now.

“I see,” David says slowly. “Don’t you think this is a little dangerous?”

Dangerous — that’s the angle he’s playing? He’s never cared about danger anywhere else. And he’s certainly never cared about danger when she brings Simon along.

“No, not really,” she responds, careful to keep her tone neutral. “I’ve done loads of murders before.”

“Yes, but what if this one decides to target you as the investigator?” Somehow, David manages to angle his brows just right so he actually looks concerned. Penny doesn’t believe it. Not one bit. He’s never been reluctant to let her take a case.

“Well,” she says somewhat coldly, “then they’d have to go after the Pitches, too. I doubt they’re going to go after us all.”

“Nonetheless, Penny, I’d advise you to be careful,” he says, trying his best to sound like an omniscient adult. “You never know what’s out there.”

“Always, sir,” she responds, and lets her smile drop once he turns away to leave.

David’s up to something, she’s sure of it. 

“He’s up to no good,” she tells Agatha, who’s been watching the exchange in silence.

“It’s a little suspicious,” she agrees. “I say you take this case and kick its ass just to prove him wrong.”

“That’s the plan,” Penny says. She looks over at the door and David’s retreating form. “Not sure if he agrees.”

“Fuck him,” Agatha says. “No matter who owns it, this is  _ your  _ firm. He can’t tell you what cases to take.”

Penny looks at Agatha’s face, at her glimmering honey-brown eyes and beautiful lips, and she believes it.

“You’re right. You are absolutely right.”

“I always am,” Agatha responds with a flip of her hair that sends them both into a fit of giggles.

God, Agatha is so perfect. Penny’s so far gone for her.

She’s in love with her. 


	6. vi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz, Dev, and Niall do some investigating. Simon and Agatha have their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot is Moving Forward, everyone. Yell at me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

“ _ Undead, _ ” Niall reads, looking at the neon lights of the establishment in front of them. “Classy.”

“You sure this is where Nicodemus works?” asks Dev, eyeing the chipped black paint on the doors and graffiti that hasn’t been painted over. 

“Only one way to find out,” Baz says, and opens the door. Dev and Niall shrug and follow him.

The inside of the bar is way too loud and brightly lit. Colored lights are moving all over the dance floor that’s packed with partygoers who are probably intoxicated in some way or another. Baz squints and moves to the bar, Dev and Niall close behind him.

“This place is  _ packed, _ ” Niall whispers. “How are we going to find Nicodemus in here?”

“We’ll find a way,” Dev replies. 

“He should be at the bar,” Baz says. “Bartender, right?”

Baz leans forward and tilts to the left to get a better look at the bar and maybe spot Nicodemus. There’s no sign of him, but — 

To his absolute horror, Baz notices Simon Snow and Agatha Wellbelove, sitting to the left and enjoying their drinks together. There are maybe five people between both groups.

“Shit.” 

“What happened?” asks Dev. 

“To the left. Snow and Wellbelove,” Baz says, trying to keep quiet. 

Niall shifts in his seat, presumably to look, before Baz drags him down by a death grip on his collar. 

“Oh, don’t  _ look _ !” he hisses. “We don’t want them noticing us. Just stay quiet.”

“Fuck,” Dev mutters. “How are we supposed to sneak around with them here?”

Why does Baz have the worst luck? Of all the places for Snow and Wellbelove to be sickeningly romantic and go on their first date, they pick the same bar Nicodemus works at. And why aren’t they at some posh, fancy restaurant — isn’t that where straight couples take each other for dates, where they try to enforce as many gender roles as possible in the span of a few hours?

Baz sneaks another look at them. Wellbelove is laughing at something Snow’s said and Snow’s nose is scrunched with happiness. Baz isn’t sure if he wants to vomit or set himself on fire or both.

“Bloody straight people,” Baz sighs, and then nods at Niall. “Sorry, mate.”

Dev, the asexual git, seems completely unbothered by the scene in front of him. Baz wishes Penelope was here so he’d have another disaster gay by his side.

Unfortunately, Penelope is not here to be a disaster with him. So Baz is all on his own and he’s going to tough it out. He’s on duty. This is a mission. 

“Alright,” he says. “Game plan: lurk round the back, cover your face with your hair, backs facing them if we move toward them.”

Niall groans. “Not all of us have long hair.”

“That sounds like your own problem,” Dev jokes, sniffing. 

Niall rolls his eyes but doesn’t comment — Dev’s right on that. 

With the plan in place, Dev, Niall, and Baz stand up, each a few minutes apart, so as not to arouse suspicion. Baz goes first and pointedly does not look in Snow or Wellbelove’s way once. He ducks away to the right side of the bar, scanning each bartender on duty for signs of Nicodemus. Baz has a picture in his pocket for reference — it came with the file.

Niall joins him three minutes later. Baz has been counting. “Any sign of Nicodemus?”

“Nope,” he says, and hands Niall the picture so he knows what to look for. 

“This is so fucked,” Niall complains, sharing Baz’s feelings. “How are we supposed to get  _ any  _ answers now?”

“Should we have come earlier?”

“Nope,” Dev says, materializing behind them. “At least we get to party now.”

“Right on that, mate,” Niall agrees. “The only plus to this shit mission.”

“Stop talking like that,” Baz snaps. “Come on. We might find him.”

Truthfully, Baz isn’t so sure. But he’s a man on a mission and Pitches aren’t quitters. If his mom were to see him quitting on finally solving her murder she’d scream curses at him from the afterlife.

“He can only be on the left side, then,” Dev points out.

“Then we’ll need to be extra sneaky,” says Baz. “I’m not letting Snow and Wellbelove stop me.”

Baz leaves first again and seats himself farther away from Snow and Wellbelove. He can still hear Wellbelove’s high-pitched laugh. Baz has the strong urge to set something on fire.

Dev and Niall are too lazy to be sneaky, it seems, and join him at the bar at the same time. Baz doesn’t really mind; it doesn’t look like Snow and Wellbelove are paying much attention to anyone but each other.

A bartender comes by to greet them. His hair is light brown and he has dark blue eyes with a generally downturned expression.

It’s Nicodemus. Baz recognizes him from the photo.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

—

Maybe Simon’s paranoid, but maybe he’s also noticing an extremely suspicious trio wandering the bar and moving around. They seem like they’re looking for something; what, Simon’s got no clue.

“Do you see those people?” Simon asks, noticing one of them with dark black hair sit down at the far side of the bar.

“Weird,” she comments. “They were just on our right, weren’t they?”

Simon squints, trying to get a closer look at the man; he looks somewhat familiar, but from where, Simon can’t place —

A pair of gray eyes passes over him and Simon realizes.

“Shit, it’s Pitch.”

“Pitch?” asks Agatha, turning around subtly to take a look at him. “Is he here with Penny?”

At that moment, two men join Basilton at the bar and they’re greeted by a bartender.

“No, he’s here with Dev and Niall.”

They exchange words with the bartender, whose expression darkens until he motions for them to get up and follow him. As the trio stands up, Simon and Agatha exchange curious looks.

“Should we follow them?” she asks.

“You ask that like it’s a question. Come on,” says Simon, standing up. “Let’s go see what they’re up to.”

“God,” Agatha mutters, “Why’d we pick drinks?”


	7. vii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Agatha listen in on an important conversation and make some decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! I was out yesterday and didn't have the time to update. I hope you enjoy this chapter <3  
> As always, feel free to leave a comment or talk to me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Simon fully intends to crash in on Basilton’s questioning, Agatha can tell. She’ll cross that bridge when she gets to it, she decides, and maybe try to show him why that’s a bad idea.

For now, she follows Simon, who’s following the Pitch crew. The Pitch crew is following the bar patron into a room by the back near the bathrooms. Agatha spots danger as well as her chance; before they can turn around and spot Simon, Agatha grabs his sleeve and drags him away to the side of the room where they can’t be seen, pressing a finger to her mouth as he looks at her like he’s been betrayed.

“I’m doing you a favor,” she whispers. “Do you really want to barge in there and ask for answers when they’re going to reveal the whole thing if we just _listen_ _?_ ”

“Eavesdropping?” Simon asks, and thankfully, his voice is low. “But that’s wrong!”

Agatha can’t believe her ears. Simon Snow is so fucking precious. It’s adorable.

“This is why you’re an accountant, not a detective,” she says. “Now shut up and listen.”

To his credit, Simon does, though he shoots her a glare that says he is aware of what they’re doing and doesn’t like it at all. Agatha ignores him and presses her ear to the wall.

“...Petty,” she hears Basilton say. “She was your sister, right?”

“Yes,” replies the bartender. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“She’s dead.” Niall’s voice speaks this time. “And you’re our only lead.”

“Wait,” says the bartender, voice distressed, “you’re — Ebb? She’s just…gone?”

“I’m sorry,” Pitch says, and Agatha’s surprised to hear how genuine he sounds. “Do you know any reason why someone might want to murder her?”

Agatha looks at Simon. His eyes are lost in thought; he’s processing this, she thinks. Despite everything, Simon _is_ smart. He just doesn’t always show it.

She’s keen to know what he thinks of all this, but now’s not the time to ask.

“Oh, I’ve an idea who did it,” she hears the bartender say, and focuses back on the conversation. “There was a man, contacted me a while back about a job.”

“What kind of job?” Agatha hears Dev ask.

“A bad one,” answers the bartender. “Something to do with drugs — and not to sell, to use on people. Of course, I took one look and said no, but from the pictures you’re showing me he found someone else, and they’re back at it again.”

So they’ve got pictures; Agatha can’t see what’s going on in there, only hear it, which is a little bit frustrating. But this is the first she’s hearing of something like this happening _again._

Ebeneza Petty wasn’t the first. And if she wasn’t the first, she won’t be the last, either.

“Who was the man?” asks Pitch, and his voice is harried.

“Do you think I’m looking to die, boy?” snaps the bartender. “I’m sorry I can’t help you more, but I’m not going to risk any more. I didn’t do anything and I can’t tell you any more than that.”

There’s shuffling — the man must be leaving — when Pitch says, “Wait.”

“What is it?”

“The first one. The person you declined to kill. Was… was her name — Natasha? Natasha Grimm-Pitch?” Basilton asks shakily.

There’s a pause before the bartender says, “Yeah, as a matter of fact, it was — why do you ask, does that name mean something to you?”

“She was my mother,” Pitch answers, and in that moment Agatha feels a poignant pang of sorrow for him; she can’t imagine how hard it must be to know your mother’s killer walks, to have them in reach and still so far.

“Christ,” Simon whispers, and Agatha knows he’s feeling the same. For all they talk about hating Pitch, at the end of the day he’s a human being the same as them. And no one deserves this.

Simon’s face is set with determination when he says, “We’re helping. We’ve got to.”

Agatha can’t say no. She won’t, because it’s the right thing to do.

—

Baz can’t believe it. A bounty of information, right in front of him. Nicodemus Petty might just hold all the answers Baz has been looking for — but he won’t reveal them.

Baz isn’t going to press. He doesn’t want Nicodemus to face any danger, certainly not because of him. Nicodemus owes him nothing.

But he must see the look on Baz’s face, or feel some sort of pity for him, because he says, “I’ll tell you this: look out for green.”

_Look out for green?_   That’s not helpful at all. What is Baz supposed to do with that information, stay away from trees?

Before he can ask Nicodemus to elaborate, he’s already shutting the door behind him and disappearing. And Nicodemus wouldn’t tell him any more anyway, he reasons.

Dev sets a hand on Baz’s shoulder. He doesn’t say anything else, just stands there, and it means more to Baz than any words would have.

“Wanna go home?” asks Niall.

Baz realizes that he’d like to go home very much. This night has been a bust. And now all he wants to do is curl up in a ball and stay there for at least fifteen hours.

“Yeah,” he says. “Let’s go.”

Niall leads the way and opens the door first, but stops a few steps out; Baz, following shortly after, stops with him.

Simon Snow and Agatha Wellbelove are standing right in front of them, faces stoic and lips thin.

“We’re going to help you,” Snow commands. “And we’re going to stop whoever’s doing this.”


	8. viii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agatha makes a decision about Simon. David pays the office a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late again! I haven't been keeping track of my time as well as I should be.  
> Yell at me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Somewhere along the line,  _ We’re going to help you  _ turns into  _ We are your partners in investigation and are also dragging Penny into this because why the fuck not.  _ Agatha’s not sure how to feel about this because Basilton’s not that bad, really, but working with Penelope —

It’s turning out to be a little bit of a problem. Pitch is already friendly with Penny and they’re always chatting and smiling at each other and being  _ nice  _ and it drives her mad for a reason she can’t name.

At least they keep their PDA to a minimum. That’s one plus. Agatha doesn’t know if she could bear it if they started kissing in front of her and Simon.

And Simon. Agatha doesn’t even remember  _ why  _ she agreed to go on that date with Simon anyway. (She remembers exactly why, but she doesn’t want to think about it, so she won’t.)

He’s gotten a little too enthusiastic about this. Maybe it’s because he’s finally being more included in an investigation, but Agatha’s not sure about that. The way he keeps looking at Pitch — he might just be having the same problems she’s having…

Which is why it’s in everyone’s best interests, she decides, to break things off. That date was a mistake. Agatha can’t really deny it — she doesn’t like Simon. (And she does not like Penny either. Fuck off.)

Right now, Pitch is packing up and frowning at the whiteboard one last time with its two columns —  _ What we know  _ and  _ What we don’t.  _ The last word on both columns is  _ green.  _ Agatha’s not sure what it means because she hasn’t really been paying attention. Her problems are more pressing than a color, anyway.

Simon makes to stand up and return to his desk — probably going to crunch out more expenses for the last month — when Agatha grabs his arm and motions to the side, taking him to the copy room. 

She blurts the words out before she can lose the nerve. “Simon, I think we should break up.”

He stands there for a few moments, blinking, before he processes her words and says, “What?”

“I’m sorry, I just — I don’t think this is working out.”

“But I thought —”

“I’m sorry, Simon,” Agatha repeats, before letting go of his arm and walking out. She has her reasons for this and she’s not only doing this for her own benefit, but she doesn’t particularly care to explain that.

This is for the best. She can’t keep stringing Simon along.

— 

“Did you hear?” Baz asks, taking a sip of his tea. Penny is sitting on his desk and resisting the urge to swing her legs back and forth. “Apparently Snow and Wellbelove broke up.”

Penny nearly drops her cup at that. “You’re joking. They got together two days ago.”

Baz’s smile is too bright for it to be fake. “I’m not. Just as I was leaving yesterday I heard Wellbelove telling him it was over, that it wasn’t working out.”

“What the fuck,” Penny says in disbelief. “How’d  _ you  _ hear this? You don’t even work with us!”

“It was yesterday when I was leaving,” Baz explains. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop or anything, it’s just that I left my phone on the table near the copy room and their conversation was kind of loud.”

“Fucking — how did I miss this? And why’d they break up?”

“Hell if I know,” says Baz, “but maybe Wellbelove had a gay awakening and realized she’s been in love with you this whole time.”

“You’re not funny,” she complains. “I’m being serious here.”

“How am I supposed to know then?” he asks. “I’m just theorizing.”

“Agatha’s just getting cold feet,” Penny decides. “She and Simon will be back together soon enough.”

“Probably,” Baz concedes. “Snow will be begging her at her feet to take him back. I’m so fucking pathetic.”

“You and me both,” sighs Penny, and they toast with their teacups in mutual understanding.

— 

Simon doesn’t hear David come in. His mind is occupied with thoughts of Agatha. 

Was it something he did? Demanding that they help Basilton? But Agatha hadn’t seemed to mind it, and she hadn’t complained at all. Did she just go on the date to humor Simon?

Did he do something wrong?

He’s jolted out of his thoughts by a barrage of green walking through the doors. David looks more like a forest than usual today.

“Afternoon, Simon,” he greets. “Have you seen Penny around?”

“Afraid not,” Simon replies. Penny is probably out with Pitch again, but he won’t give away her secret just yet. “She’ll be back soon, I think.”

“Ah,” says David, face falling a little. “Well, will you tell her to call me? I’ve got some business with her.”

“Will do,” says Simon, smiling. “Have a good one.”

“You too,” David replies. Simon watches him go as the fake smile falls off his face. Acting happy is a lot of work.

Simon tries to distract himself by playing on his phone; it works for about fifteen minutes until Penny gets back.

“By the way,” he tells her, “you just missed David.”

An odd look comes about her face. “Did I?” she asks airily. “Did he say anything specific?”

“He said he had some business with you.”

“Oh,” Penny says, expression unreadable. “I see.”

She sounds off-beat somehow, like she knows more about this than she’s letting on.

“Everything alright?” asks Simon.

“Oh, everything’s fine,” Penny says with a dismissive wave of her hand. She grabs her phone from her desk and makes to go to the copy room where she’ll be able to talk without Simon hearing, and reassures him, “It’s nothing to worry about.”


	9. ix.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Baz discuss what's been going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! This chapter is a little bit late but it's not Thursday yet so here you go.  
> Yell at me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

“So, we might have something to worry about,” Penny tells Baz conversationally at their next meeting. Like she’s discussing the weather or some shit.

“Please elaborate. I’m a professional worrier. You need my skills.”

“David’s been poking around the office lately,” Penny answers in the same nonchalant tone.

“Mage? David Mage? What does he want?” Baz is particularly tetchy about the Mage. Seeing as the Pitches have some rivalry with him they never elaborated on. Baz was only told about it when he took over the office.

His father had taken him aside and said, “Son, if there’s one thing you do here,  _ never  _ associate with Mage Mysteries. Ever. Understand?” 

Since Baz is skilled at being a disappointment to his family, he’d gone on to ignore that rule.

“I don’t know,” says Penny, “and I don’t care to find out. He’s been coming to the office and asking for me and being dodgy about it. Always asking if I’m there. Luckily Simon is a darling and has been covering for me — I’m not really sure why — but it’s only because of him there hasn’t been a confrontation.”

“Well, keep it that way,” Baz replies. “I don’t want that fucker getting nosy. Especially around this case.”

“I’ll be sure to let you know next time I see green-arse Robin Hood in my office,” quips Penny. 

Something about that sentence grates at him for some reason. Baz can’t quite figure out what it is. Maybe he’s just being paranoid, but an unsettling feeling prickles at his mind. Something. At the tip of his tongue.

Baz replays the words in his head.  _ Green-arse Robin Hood. Green-arse Robin Hood. Green… _

And then it clicks. What was the warning Nicodemus had given him?

_ Look out for green. _

Now that Baz thinks about it — 

“Penny,” he inquires, “is the Mage always wearing green? Like,  _ all the time _ ?”

“Yeah,” she says, brows furrowing, “why?”

“It’s just, Nicodemus told me something before he left.  _ Look out for green. _ Could that… could that have meant something?”

“That explains why the Mage is being so shady,” Penelope says, snapping her fingers at him, eyes bursting with ideas. “He could be connected to this somehow…”

“To my mother’s murder and now this woman? My father told me first thing,  _ Don’t talk to the Mages. _ ” Things are starting to click into place now. A few puzzle pieces locking together. Baz can see it in his mind. He’s got pieces missing, but…  __ “I think there’s always been that connection. There has to be some  _ reason  _ for their goddamn rivalry. We just never thought to question it!”

“So you think, somehow, the Mage is the answer to all this? Do you think he did it?”

“I don’t know. We’d need evidence for that, and I’ve got no idea how to find it. But I think he knows something. And he could be a likely suspect.” Baz straightens, realizing that he needs to know all he can about the Mage’s behaviors lately. “Penny. I need you to tell me all you can about the Mage’s suspicious shit. What was out of the ordinary?”

“For starters,” says Penny dryly, “he came to the office. He could have just been checking up, but I highly doubt that. Then he said he thought it could be dangerous for me to pursue the case. He’s never had a problem with that before. Then he came by yesterday again. Said he had business with me. And that’s it, I think. He’s never come by so frequently. And when I mentioned Ebeneza’s name to him, he got a little weird. I can’t explain it, but he seemed different. More invested, I suppose. I think you’re right about the connection bit, Baz. David has  _ never  _ cared about our cases unless it’s something to do with you. And, well, I think this case has plenty to do with you.”

“The question is, how do we find out what he knows? Do you think Snow and Wellbelove can help with that, could they know something?”

Penny’s eyes widen a bit. “Oh, God, Baz, no. You can’t tell them. Simon especially. He’s got a weird thing about David. David’s anti-Pitch bullshit always hits the mark with him. And I don’t think he likes you much already. As for Agatha, she’s definitely not pro-David, but the only one who’s really connected with him is Simon, which makes him our only option and also unavailable.” Her words seem to catch up with her, and her face falls. “Fuck.”

“That’s a good summary, yeah,” Baz says, disheartened. Of course Snow wouldn’t help him. Baz had almost forgotten he was shoved up David Mage’s ass. 

_ I don’t think he likes you much already.  _ That’s just great, Baz thinks. Even if Snow  _ does  _ like men, why would he go for Baz? Baz Pitch, the bastard, the rival. 

“I honestly thought we were getting somewhere,” he mutters. “I mean, even with all this, I genuinely hoped there was a chance. I just feel like I’ve failed her somehow.”

“Baz,” Penny says, face softening. She lays a hand over Baz’s own and the gesture touches places in his heart he doesn’t want to admit he has. No one’s ever really done that with him. Not since his mother died. “This is not your fault. You haven’t failed your mother. If she could see you now, doing all this hard work to bring her justice — I know she’d be so proud of you. I mean it.”

Penny gives his hand a squeeze. A few moments pass. Baz squeezes her hand back.

“Thanks,” he says after a while. “I think I needed that.”

“What I need is some chai, to be honest,” Penny says, maybe sensing the deep well of emotions threatening to flow out of him. “I think we can still work on this. Even without telling Simon —”

At that moment, the door opens, and none other than Simon Snow walks in, phone in hand. He’s not looking at it anymore, though.

“Without telling me what?” he asks, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

Fuck, he’s adorable.

And fuck, things are really about to go to shit.


	10. x.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simon is honestly the worst kind of dumbass. I love my son :')  
> Talk to me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Simon isn’t stupid. He knows Penny and Baz probably have some problems between each other that they feel the need to hide from him. Simon remembers that at one point he’d told Baz he knew about his relationship with Penny, so he assumes they both  _ know  _ that he knows.

He can’t think of anything else they could be hiding from him.

They’re holding hands, for fuck’s sake. There’s not much  _ hiding  _ left for them to do.

“Is this the part where you two finally admit to me you’re dating?”

Penny and Pitch both look at him like he’s gone mad. 

“The part where we  _ what _ ?” splutters Basilton, looking, for once, at a loss for words.

“Oh, come on,” Simon groans. “Just give it up already. We all know you two have a secret little  _ thing _ going on. At the very least, you’re fucking. And with all this hand-action going on,” he says with a pointed look at their still-joined hands, Penny’s resting on top of Pitch’s, “I’m pretty sure there’s something more.”

“Simon, I think you’ve got this wrong,” Penny begins to explain, but Simon shakes his head. He can’t believe that he’s literally caught them red-handed and they’re  _ still  _ trying to deny everything.

“Am I really that untrustworthy?” he asks. “That you can’t even  _ admit to me  _ you’re together. I mean, I know you want to keep it secret or whatever, but I covered for you, Penny,” he says, somewhat hurt by their secrecy.

He’s not sure why it stings. This is, by all means, none of his business, but the thought of  _ Penny  _ with  _ Basilton Pitch  _ makes Simon uneasy in ways he doesn’t want to understand.

“Snow, you’ve got it all wrong,” Pitch says, rolling his eyes. “Penelope and I are not  _ dating.  _ We’re just good friends.” Simon is not about to buy into  _ that  _ sentence until he hears the next one. “I’m gay.”

That makes a whole lot more sense.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Shut up before you stick your foot further in your mouth.”

“I’ll do that.”

Simon’s such a fucking idiot. Why did he think Penny and Pitch were dating in the first place? They’re such an unlikely match.

Then he remembers.  _ Honestly, Simon. Give him a break. It’s clear they’re fucking. _

This was all Agatha’s idea. He’s going to have words with her later.

Wait — but if their relationship wasn’t what Basilton and Penny were hiding… then what were they hiding from him?

“But then what are you not telling me?”

“Fuck,” Pitch mutters, pulling a hand over his face. “I was hoping you’d forget about that.”

—

Honestly. Baz comes out in an attempt to divert the topic from David Mage who may or may not have a hand in his mother’s murder, and Snow  _ still  _ isn’t distracted enough to forget that Baz and Penny are conspiring together.

Fuck him. 

“So?” Snow asks, tapping his foot in an expectant manner that’s got to be deliberate. “What is it?”

Penny and Baz share a look and a conversation. It goes something like this.

_ Penny: Should we tell him? _

_ Baz: Or we could distract him. _

_ Penny: I’m not coming out as a distraction. _

_ Baz: Fine, you tell him. I’m not liable for any of the damage.  _

Penny gives Baz a withering look and turns to Snow. She opens her mouth, takes a deep breath, and blurts out all at once:

“We think David might have something to do with Ebeneza Petty’s murder and we didn’t want to tell you because we thought you might not believe us.”

Snow’s eyes widen. “Are you — you sure?”

“Well, we need evidence. But Nicodemus told Baz here to  _ look out for green,  _ and David is the greenest fucking person to ever exist.”

“But you also asked him about your mom…” Snow says, trailing off and looking at Baz.

He’s so thick. It’s adorable and also incredibly annoying.

“She was killed in the same way,” Baz explains. “I don’t know what Mage might have to do with it. But I intend to find out.”

“Then we’ll start in his office,” Snow says. Just like that. Like someone flipped a switch in his brain and he’s always known David Mage has something to do with all this.

“You’re… you’re not mad, Simon?” asks Penny. “And you believe us?”

“Of course I do,” he scoffs. “Like I’d believe bloody Robin Hood who shows up once a month over you.”

Oh. That’s really cute, actually.

Fuck Snow. He has no right to be so adorable. 

— 

“These drawers are all pretty much empty,” Baz complains. Since Penny calls him Baz and Basilton and Pitch feel weird to Simon, he’s taken up the name for him as well. 

Simon fishes out a pen from one and says, “Well, not entirely. We might find something.”

“Let’s just cover all our bases,” Baz agrees, and bends down to another drawer to search in it. This gives Simon a very nice view of his jean-clad bottom. This feels vaguely scandalous to look at, so Simon quickly tears his eyes away and back to the cabinet he should be looking in, willing the blush in his cheeks to subside.

Why does Baz make him feel this way? He didn’t feel this way about  _ Agatha  _ in jeans.

It’s this train of thought that almost makes him miss the slip of paper in the cabinet — they’re nearly the same color, and Simon’s insistence on focusing on the cabinet is what makes him notice it in the first place.

Simon unfolds it, and on the paper in shaky handwriting is an address:

_ 6100 Mummers Place, White Chapel, Wales _

“Baz?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I might have found something.”

—

“Okay, we need a plan of action,” says Penny, pacing down Baz’s office. She might wear off the floorboards if she keeps at her pace.

“First thing we’ll do is all  _ sit down, _ ” he says with a pointed look at her. Penny grimaces but obliges.

“Okay then,” Penny says. “It would be too suspicious if I came with you guys. Besides, if David comes by and notices I’m not there, he’d probably get angry and wise up to what we’re doing. So, Simon and Baz, you’re going to have to go without me.”

The look in her eyes is a little too mischievous for Baz’s liking. Penelope Bunce knows exactly what she’s doing. She is truly an evil goddess in this moment.

Fuck her. Baz is going to do this and he is not going to fall any further for Simon Snow.

If he did, it would end in flames.


	11. xi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Baz get some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello these dumb gays FINALLY get some shit done! we got about 3-4 chapters left until the end of this ride so I hope you're enjoying so far! thank you all for the comments and love, they're my lifeblood <3  
> yell at me on Tumblr at 

“Be safe, don’t crash the car, and come back alive,” Penny reminds Baz as she shuts the door of the driver’s seat. “And take care, Simon,” she adds.

“Will do,” Baz calls back through the open window, and with that, he rolls it shut and turns the key in its slot. The car starts up with a low hum as Baz shifts the car into drive and pulls out of his driveway onto the road.

“Can you put the address into the GPS?” he asks Simon. Simon wonders why Baz hadn’t thought to do that before, but he doesn’t want to start a fight over nothing, so he obliges, inputting it into Google Maps. 

The AI responds in a clinical yet soothing tone: “Calculating route to: 6100 Mummers Place, White Chapel, Wales. Estimated distance: 230 miles. Estimated arrival: 4 hours and 30 minutes.”

“Four bloody hours in this car,” Simon mutters. “Why couldn’t we take the train?”

“I would rather die than take the train,” Baz responds with a shake of his head. The morning light is shining on him, softening the harsher planes of his face; Baz looks almost peaceful like this, unspeakably delicate. His hair seems less dark — it’s browner in the sunlight. And his storm-gray eyes, normally so hard, seem warmer now, more inviting, the color of a clear morning sky. 

Simon doesn’t know why he’s thinking of Baz’s eyes right now, so he files the thought away on the list of things not to think about.

“What do you reckon we’ll find there?” he asks to give himself something else to think about.

“Answers, hopefully,” says Baz as he makes a right turn. “I don’t really know what I’m expecting. Proof in writing that he’s a murderer? That’s too much to hope for. I’m just trying to find… something. Something would be nice.”

“Yeah,” Simon agrees. Baz’s brow is furrowed, and he’s frowning a little. Simon can only imagine how frustrated he probably is, with his only lead being four hours away.  “Better than nothing.”

Baz takes his eyes off the road for a moment to look at Simon. He nods with understanding. 

Simon finally feels like they’re on the same page.

— 

Penny may have had ulterior motives for not going with Simon and Baz on their little road trip. Her reasons were valid in and of themselves, of course, and she’s sure Baz thinks she did it for him. That is also true.

But she also wanted to spend some time with Agatha herself. 

If Baz can be with Simon alone, Penny’s allowed to be with Agatha alone. And though she knows Agatha’s straight and doesn’t like her like that, it feels good to indulge. 

She’s missed her, what with all the murders happening around here. A little girl time never hurt anyone.

“Hey, Penny,” Agatha says as she comes into the office for the morning. She looks around, probably noting the lack of Simon, and asks, “By the way, where’s Simon?”

“He took a holiday. Something about mental health,” Penny lies. “Good on him. Mental health is important.”

“Yeah,” Agatha says, sounding confused. “Well, at least we get some peace and quiet. Not that it’s not like that with Simon. He’s just…”

“Not peaceful,” Penny finishes.

“Exactly.”

“You know what, Agatha? We’re going to have so much fun today. Just you and me. Like girls’ night. But in the day. You know?”

Agatha looks like she really doesn’t know what Penny’s talking about. Hell, Penny doesn’t know what she’s talking about herself. But she’s not going to pass on a day with Agatha. 

Penny is so fucked. And the worst part is Agatha has no idea.

— 

Baz’s eyes are locked on the road because the only alternative is looking at Simon Snow and that feels a lot like looking into the sun. Also, it’s embarrassing to be caught staring. 

They’re roughly two hours into their trip. Google Maps says they are 53% of the way through. There’s a rest spot fifteen minutes from here at the next exit, and Baz is hoping to get some coffee in his system then.

For now, he looks at the scenery. Rolling hills and greenery pass by them quickly. Since they’re on their way to Wales, the occasional smattering of sheep herds are visible. Snow points at every one of them and says “Sheep!” excitedly like he’s a little kid.

It’s so annoying. (And so adorable.)

“Oh, look, Baz. Goats!” Snow says now, looking at a farm of goats to the left. Baz does, in fact, look at the goats, and they look incredibly fluffy even from a distance. 

“They’re cute.”

Baz can’t bring himself to say more. There’s just this looming feeling of sadness hanging over him, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. Maybe it’s something to do with his mom, or maybe it’s about Snow, but he can’t do anything but  _ wallow  _ for now.

Baz is trying not to think about it. To focus on the road and the mission and not Snow. And that leads him back to his mom. Which makes him want to focus on Snow.

_ Goats. Think about the goats. They’re nice. Fluffy. Cute. _

_ And gone now.  _ They’ve passed the goats. There aren’t even any sheep here.

“Baz,” Snow starts, and Baz is momentarily jolted by the fact that Snow just called him something other than  _ Pitch  _ or  _ Basilton.  _ He continues, “Are you okay?” and Baz’s heart does something he suspects might be a flip.

It could also be melting. Or maybe it’s melting and doing a flip.

He decides to answer truthfully. “I don’t know.”

“Is something wrong?” Snow asks, and Baz can’t help it, he has to look at him. Snow’s brows are furrowed with worry, and the look of  _ concern  _ on his face — _ for Baz  _ — is so jarring, so completely unimaginable, that Baz tells him the truth about how he’s feeling.

“It’s just… I feel sad. And I don’t even know why. I think it’s my mom. All these old feelings about her death just coming back, and now I’m off to find answers about her murder, and… I don’t know if she’d be proud of me or not. That really scares me — and she’s not even  _ alive  _ to be  _ not  _ proud of me, I know it’s irrational, but I just… I don’t know. I’m sad and I don’t know what to do with it.”

Snow is quiet for a few moments. He’s probably trying to figure out how to say Baz is annoying him in a nice way. Baz shouldn’t have opened his big mouth. Where does he get off, dropping all that  _ baggage  _ on someone —  

“I don’t have a mom either, you know.”

“Oh.”

“She died, or maybe she gave me up, or I don’t really know what happened. I don’t remember her at all. My earliest memories are of boys’ homes.”

“I’m sorry. And I know that probably doesn’t mean a lot, but I am. No kid should have to go through that.”

“There was a point to this story, actually,” Simon says, rolling his eyes. “And it’s that I get it. If you ever want to talk about it.”

Baz sees the exit sign then, so he doesn’t reply. But there’s a small smile on his lips nonetheless.

“Oh, are we going for coffee?” Simon asks, gracious enough not to push the subject of Baz’s mother.

“Yes, I’m bloody exhausted. You can drive the next two hours.”

“Alright,” he says, surprising Baz. He’d thought Simon would fight more about it.  

Baz orders the sweetest drink on the menu and adds extra sugar to it. Simon looks horrified but he’s also smiling like he’s pleased.

But while all of this is good and well, something just feels… missing. Baz isn’t sure what. But he feels detached from all of this somehow, feels like all this happiness and friendship and everything just isn’t going to last.

And, he realizes on the walk back to the car, why would it? Pitch P.I. and Mage Mysteries are still rivals. One case isn’t going to change that.

He’d let hope sneak into his heart and plant itself there. But Simon Snow would never be his.

“Baz,” Simon asks again, “are you sure you’re okay?”

“Simon, I’m fine,” he insists. “I just want to get to Wales and —”

Then  _ Simon’s  _ kissing  _ Baz. _

— 

Agatha’s not really sure what to do about Penny.

She’s just so beautiful and effervescent and  _ amazing  _ and the fact that she’s so unattainable is killing Agatha.

She wouldn’t do that to Baz. And she couldn’t risk her friendship with Penny. 

So she focuses on the girls’ night. It’s the best she’ll get. And she is determined to enjoy it.

Penny is currently sitting on the floor near Simon’s desk, and she has a bottle of bright purple nail polish open. She’s about to start painting her nails when Agatha realizes they’d look  _ so much better  _ pastel pink.

“Penny, wait. You should wear pink. It’d look so much cuter.”

“Pink is an unnecessarily gendered color and I don’t think my nails need to perpetuate that,” Penny huffs.

Agatha rolls her eyes. “It’s just a color. You’re just not into wearing it because you think it’s subscribing to gender norms. But it’s okay to like pink. You don’t have to be ‘not like other girls.’ And it would look so pretty on you! Come on, Penny. If you don’t like it you can take it off.”

Penny narrows her eyes. “If I do this, I get to paint your nails black.”

“Done. I’ve been wanting to add a little more emo into my look.”

“Alright, fine. Hand me the bottle.”

Agatha debates for a moment, then comes to the conclusion that she’d much rather do this herself.

“No, I’ll paint them. You’re super messy when you do this.”

“That’s because my mom always said nail polish is full of chemicals and then you swallow all those chemicals and you die. So I never really painted my nails as a kid.”

“Well, your mom is weird,” Agatha comments. 

“She’s special. And she’s also Indian. It’s coded in her DNA to say things like that. For the culture,” says Penny with another huff.

She looks really cute when she does that.

Agatha pushes the thought away, takes Penny’s hand in hers, and begins to paint with a meticulous touch. She finishes Penny’s pointer finger, and Penny snatches it away to inspect it.

She looks ready to take the nail polish remover and go to town on her nail, but then she pauses.

“This is… not that bad, actually,” she admits. With what seems to be great reluctance. “It’s all soft. I… kind of like the look. Not bad, Ags.”

“I told you,” Agatha says imperiously. “You’re just afraid of liking pink. Being like  _ all the other girls. _ ”

“Well, I just — I don’t know. I grew up being told I was supposed to like pink. Be that girl. So just to be contrary, I told myself I didn’t. I wasn’t going to be that girl and I was going to turn out just fine. Like I was special, you know?” she says, voice fading out a little. “I don’t know. It’s silly. It’s just a color, I don’t know why I place so much stock in it —”

“Penny, you’re no less special for liking pink. You… you’re the most special person I know. I mean that. I think you’re wonderful. Whatever colors you like.”

Penny is looking at Agatha like she’s some sort of goddess. Her eyes are bright and glittery and Agatha’s not sure why brown eyes aren’t thought of as beautiful because Penny’s are shining and just gorgeous.

She has to say something. 

“I really want to kiss you right now,” she breathes. “And I know, I know, you’re dating Baz, and I don’t want to be  _ that girl  _ but I… I like you, Penny. And not in a friend way. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I don’t want to make things weird — you just — can you forget this happened?” Agatha’s sure she’s almost crying and her throat feels tight and she’s about to make a mess out of herself and Penny’s going to hate her —

“Agatha,” Penny says, shaking her head, “you’re so fucking dumb. I’m not dating Baz. I was never dating Baz. I like you, too. It’s you. It’s always been you.” 

Then  _ Penny’s  _ kissing  _ Agatha. _


	12. xiii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz learn some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my boys i love them sm :')  
> yell at me on tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)  
> ily'allsm for the comments and love! thank you for following this story, seeing your comments and kudos makes me smile :)

“Not that I’m complaining,” Baz asks, coming up for air after their heated makeout session, “but what was that for?”

“You seemed sad,” Simon says, like it’s really that simple. “And you called me Simon. And I realized I want to do that.”

Simon is really another creature. He can’t be a human and this pure. 

Baz looks away from him and back at the road. “We should get going.” He’s trying and failing desperately to hide his smile. 

“We’re  _ halfway through.  _ I think we need a break.”

“And we just took one,” Baz points out. “We’ve still got two hours to go, and I want to start back tomorrow.”

Simon sighs. “You’re right. You know… I can’t really believe that we’re almost there.”

“I wouldn’t say almost.”

“Fuck off.”

—

It takes three hours to reach White Chapel because Simon insisted on taking a break to piss. And also kiss Baz. Since Simon had started kissing Baz, he had found himself not wanting to stop.

He’s taking that in its stride.

When Google Maps says that there are three minutes to their destination, Baz sits up so straight in his seat one would think someone’s pressed ice to his spine. 

“Calm down,” Simon tells him despite the racing in his own heart. He doesn’t know why  _ he’s  _ excited. This isn’t even about him.

Maybe it’s the thrill of knowing a secret. The old house they pull up to certainly feels like a secret.

It’s small, a corner house, almost tucked into the edge of the street like an afterthought. Squat and brown-boarded, it’s not quite what Simon (or Baz, judging by his face) would have expected to see from David Mage.

When Simon parks and they get out of the car, he feels a strange sense of foreboding.

Like he’s not going to like what he finds in there.

Nevertheless, he takes Baz’s hand in his. They’re going to do this together.

— 

Simon Snow is holding his hand.

Despite the fact that Baz is about to enter David Mage’s house and finally get the answers to the questions he’s been asking his whole life, only one part of it really registers: the fact that Simon Snow is holding his hand. 

_ Focus,  _ he tells the distracted part of his mind that’s stuck in Gay Panic Mode. 

He hopes the door isn’t locked. When he faces the door, brown and woody like the rest of the house, and turns the doorknob — the only metallic thing about the house — it doesn’t open.

“Fuck,” Simon says. “Should we try the window?”

Baz notes that the window looks easier to open. There’s no netting over the glass, so it should be relatively easy to either open or break. 

“I am going to do something that is probably illegal,” he tells Simon. 

“Go for it.”

Baz could probably punch the window open. It’s a crass, bloody method, but it would work. 

Or he could try to open it from the outside. The window opens from the side, not the bottom, so it would be easier to try and pry it open.

Fortunately, the window is not locked. Baz tugs at it and it slides open with a smooth whirring sound. It’s satisfying. Baz gets his feet onto the windowpane and lowers himself into the house. It takes a bit of maneuvering because Baz is definitely too tall to get in the window with one try.

Simon follows shortly after, and soon they’re both in the house and don’t know what they’re looking for. 

“Where should we look?” Simon asks. “Where would he keep all his shady shit?”

“His bedroom,” Baz answers immediately. Simon seems to be in agreement with this, because he lets Baz take the lead and look through to see where Mage keeps all his secrets.

_ Maybe,  _ a little voice whispers in the back of Baz’s mind,  _ there aren’t any secrets to be found here, and this trip was all for nothing. _

Baz ignores that feeling and pushes open the door of the first bedroom.

The feeling immediately dissipates, because there’s definitely… something going on here. Boards take up all the walls of the room; the one immediately across from Baz is titled  _ Natasha Pitch _ — even all these years later.

Simon gasps and tells Baz to “Look,” pointing at another board: Ebeneza Petty’s.

The whole room looks like that of a madman. The entire fourth wall is covered in boards full of baby pictures, a board with the title  _ Ideas & Potential Experiments,  _ and when Baz takes a closer look, he sees  _ Heightened senses test: failed on chickens.  _

What the  _ fuck  _ has he been doing? With chickens? And from the looks of it, babies have been subjected to all this as well…

Babies from orphanages, now that he looks closer at the board with the babies.

This is sick on so many levels. Baz snaps a picture with his phone to use as evidence in court against him.

“Simon,” he whispers, although Simon is the only one in the room with Baz. “This sick fuck has been experimenting… on babies. And animals. My guess is people found out about it.”

“It says right here:  _ knows too much, take out date: 11/01 _ . January 11th. That’s the day Ebeneza Petty died,” Simon replies.

“Take pictures,” Baz orders. “Of all of this. We need to show this to the police.”

“I guess this is why there’s a rivalry between the Pitches and David…,” Simon murmurs, “and why they probably never told anyone about it. The Pitches didn’t want any more of their own to die, and…”

“David’s caught up in all this illegal, horrible shit,” Baz finishes. “So he’d ensured everyone’s silence. My dad never told me  _ why  _ I had to stay away from Mage Mysteries. Only that I had to. And I guess this is why.”

Baz, staring at these elaborate takedown plans (joined together with red string, to make the madman caricature even worse), feels such a sudden surge of  _ anger  _ at David Mage.

His mother died over this. And now, Baz will make sure David Mage pays for it.

Simon, perhaps sensing Baz’s feelings, takes Baz’s hand again. The anger in him flows right away, and this fluttery feeling washes over him, warm and soft and delicate.

It feels a lot like Simon. 

“Together,” Simon tells him. “We’ll do this together.”

Baz can’t help but kiss him. 


	13. xiii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz drive back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the dumb gay energy in this chapter is a Lot.  
> yeehaw onto my tumblr: [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Simon and Baz get back to the car as quickly as possible. Baz tells Simon they’re not to waste any time getting back, so they’ll take the four-hour trip without any breaks.

This  _ without any breaks  _ is said with special emphasis, like he thinks Simon’s especially fond of taking breaks. Which he is, but he’s not about to admit that.

Baz also insists on driving and he sets out at a breakneck speed. Simon sets Google Maps on the return address and the AI calculates the return time at four hours and 15 minutes this time because of how fast Baz is driving.

“Baz,” he mutters, “you might want to slow down a little.”

“I’m not slowing down a minute for David fucking Mage,” Baz replies tartly, and Simon doesn’t really have an argument for that. 

“Just remember what Penny said.  _ Don’t crash the car. _ ”

“Yeah, yeah.”

After that Baz keeps his eyes on the road and Simon gets pretty bored. He knows this is supposed to be the pre-climactic Moment, where things are supposed to feel rushed, and there’s a heavy dose of Suspense and  _ Will they make it in time,  _ but come on. They’ve got four hours in this bloody car again.

Nothing about this is suspenseful. It’s all rather boring.

So Simon kicks back, takes a deep breath, and does what he does best: tries not to think about things.

It doesn’t work. He starts thinking, instead, about Baz: Baz and his soft eyes when he looks at Simon, Baz and his hair in the sunlight, holding Baz’s hand, kissing Baz’s lips…

He wants this. More than he’d wanted Agatha. He wants these things with Baz.

He’d thought, no less than a month ago, that Agatha was the one for him. That she was perfect, that everything about her was perfect. But that was just the idea of her. Agatha’s pretty, sure, but Simon had only wanted her because he felt like he was supposed to.

But with Baz? Things just  _ happened.  _ And Simon likes how they happened.

Simon must have been doing something wrong for Agatha to break up with him so quickly. He’s a terrible boyfriend.

But he wants to be Baz’s boyfriend, he realizes now. A terrible boyfriend, but: a boyfriend.

But what if Baz isn’t on the same page?

— 

“Baz?” Simon asks him out of the blue. While Baz has been driving, Simon seems to be lost in thought. They’ve passed several herds of sheep and Simon has, not once, pointed them out and said “Sheep!”

“Yeah?”

“What — what are we? Like, romantically, I mean.”

That is the question. That Baz has been avoiding in his head. He doesn’t want to know what Simon thinks. What Simon wants.

Because he’s afraid it isn’t him.

“Whatever you want us to be,” he answers cautiously. 

Baz can  _ feel  _ Simon frowning. And sure enough, when he looks, Simon is frowning. A pout has settled on his lips and his brows are turned down a bit, indicating his displeasure.

“That’s not what I mean,” Simon says. “What do  _ you  _ want us to be?”

Baz is quiet. What he wants to say is:  _ I want us to be together. I want us to be boyfriends. I want  _ you.

He doesn’t say any of that, though. He says instead, “I need to drive, Simon. Please don’t distract me.”

Baz doesn’t look to see if Simon’s frown has deepened. He knows it has.

“Baz, I’m going to be honest with you.” Baz thinks,  _ Here we go.  _ He’s about to get the whole spiel about how it was fun while it lasted but he’s not really looking for a relationship right now, he’s not actually interested in men,  _ you’re such a nice guy but I really don’t like you like that  _ — “I’m a terrible boyfriend.”

Baz lets out a sigh. “Can we —  _ not  _ do this right now?”

“No, no, just. Just hear me out. I am… a fucking terrible boyfriend. But that’s what I want. With you. I don’t want to be — just friends, and I don’t want this to be a one-time thing.”

_ What? _

“I want you, Baz,” Simon continues. This time, Baz does look at him. With wide eyes, most likely. “Don’t look so surprised. I snogged you senseless and you’re acting like I don’t want to do it again.” 

Oh. 

_ Oh.  _

“Basilton Pitch,” Simon says, “Will you be my terrible boyfriend?”

“Just to be clear, Simon Snow,” Baz replies, “I’d snog you right now, but then I’d crash the car. And Penny said not to do that. But the answer is yes.  _ Yes,  _ I will be your terrible boyfriend.”

Simon is grinning widely, like he’s just won the lottery. Baz finds himself grinning back, and things feel just about perfect.

— 

They are one hour away from home when Baz sits up straighter in the driver’s seat — if that’s even possible, and says worriedly, “Simon, call Penelope. Right now.”

“Why, is something wrong?”

“We need to warn her,” he points out. “Just in case David comes by and tries to pull something. She knows not to trust him, but she should know that he’s actually a bloody criminal.”

“Good idea,” Simon agrees, and calls up Penny’s number. The call tone rings one, two, three times before Penny picks up.

“Hello?” Penny answers through the feedback. “Simon? Is everything alright?”

“Penny,” Baz says from beside Simon, “you’ve got to be careful.”

“Why? Did something happen?” Penny asks, voice hushed and worried.

“Is someone else there?” whispers Simon, realizing why her voice is so low.

“Yeah, David. I’m trying to stall him,” Penny answers.

“Do  _ not  _ trust him,” says Baz. “We’re about an hour away with criminal evidence against him. That man is mad or something, I don’t know, but he’s a murderer.”

“Oh God,” Penny murmurs. “Okay. Agatha’s with me. We’ll try to keep him stalled. Do  _ not  _ come back here. Go straight to the police. We’ll keep him here until they come.”

“Stay safe, Penny,” Simon encourages. “We’ll be back soon. Bye.”

“Fuck,” Baz says once Simon’s cut the call. “I hope she can keep David there.”

“I hope he doesn’t do anything to her,” Simon sighs.

In response to that, Baz steps harder on the gas. Simon doesn’t complain.


	14. xiv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Agatha find themselves in a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to go hoes and it's the epilogue which is not really a literary masterpiece but oh well.   
> I hope you've enjoyed this fic as much as I have enjoyed writing it! <3 thank you for the comments and kudos and support ily'allsm  
> yell at me on tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Penny is not entirely sure how she got in this mess.

Scratch that. She is  _ entirely  _ sure how she got in this mess. She took on the worst boss because she needed to get money.

Then again, it wasn’t as if she could predict that her boss, David Mage, would turn out to be a serial killer and a madman. 

_ Calm down, Penelope,  _ she tells herself.  _ You don’t have a Master’s in Criminology for nothing. All you have to do is stall him until Simon and Baz get the police here. _

That’s not hard. She could bore him to sleep with case details. Tell him random stories. Maybe get him talking about something he likes. Agatha could give him a makeover.

_ Calm down Penelope calm down Penelope calm down Penelope. _

Agatha is looking at her with an eyebrow raised, and David’s back is to Penny; he’s looking at her wall of accomplishments with her degree certificate and the empty folders of significant cases on it. (She had kept the details with herself and simply labeled the folders and stuck them on the wall.) (It’s an odd wall, but it’s purely Penny’s.) 

Penny uses his distraction to mouth at Agatha,  _ We have to stall him,  _ and thankfully Agatha gets it, as she nods briskly and says to David, “Well, how do you like it?”

“It’s impressive, Penelope,” he answers, completely ignoring Agatha. Her smile drops a bit, and it makes Penny hate him just a little more.

She smiles brightly at David to conceal her inner rage and says, “Thank you. That means a lot coming from you, sir.”

It really doesn’t. But David doesn’t need to know that.

“Did you decide,” David asks, “about the Petty case?”

So that’s what this is about, then. 

“I’m leaning towards not taking it after all,” she says, to err on the side of caution. “After all, you made a good point about it being dangerous. I think sometimes” — it pains her to say these next words, because they  _ are  _ true — “I tend to get caught up in the excitement of solving cases, and I forget about the risks involved.”

David’s answering smile tells Penny she’s playing her cards right. “Well, I’m glad,” he says, placing a hand on her shoulder. Penny tries not to let her disgust show. “You never really know what’s out there. It would be a shame if any harm would come to you.” That sounds oddly like an inside joke. Maybe David says these things ironically to himself. 

Maybe he’s also a fucking creep. That, too.

Penny looks behind her because she can’t stand to look at David’s face for very long. Agatha’s face is much more pleasant to look at. Currently, it’s stoic and steely. The look doesn’t suit her at all. 

Penny laughs to ease up the tension. She turns around so David’s arm falls and thinks of a cover to justify it. She doesn’t think David would like it very much if she rebuffed him for being a piece of shit. And the objective here is to keep him at the office while staying alive.

“Shall I make some tea?” she asks, thinking quickly. Tea is good for conversations. It takes a little while to steep, even with tea bags and hot water the way white people do it. (Normally, Penny makes her tea loose-leaf and brings it to the office in a Thermos, but she needs a cover to keep David here and there are no stoves in the office. Quite a shame, really.)

It would also be a nice way for her to get and hide the bottle of pepper spray she keeps in here. Thankfully, Penny is wearing pants today and they have  _ real  _ pockets.

“Tea would be lovely,” Agatha says, smiling smoothly. 

Penny has just nodded and turned to get the tea bags when David says, “Just give it up.”

Penny turns back around, furrowing her brow and playing dumb. David’s smile and calm demeanor have dropped, leaving a scowling serial killer in his wake. “Pardon me, sir?”

“I know you’re just trying to keep me here. You don’t normally offer up tea to me or even get this chatty. So just give it up and I’ll kill you both quickly and painlessly.”

Fuck. Some of that pepper spray would be good right about now.

— 

Agatha has managed to skate by in this confrontation relatively unnoticed, and she hopes Penny can divert David’s focus long enough for it to stay that way.

Penny keeps cuffs in her office. If Penny can get to the pepper spray Agatha knows she has somewhere while distracting Mage for Agatha to get to the cuffs in time, they might just make it out of here alive.

Agatha makes a show of cowering by the wall; it doesn’t really matter, because David’s facing Penny, but if she were to make a run for it he’d certainly notice and probably kill her on the spot.

As Agatha shifts steadily in the direction of Penny’s office, David pulls out two long, looming syringes out of his coat. Penny’s eyes widen in what Agatha hopes is exaggerated fear before she starts backing up, saying, “Please don’t do this…”

Yep. Definitely exaggerated fear. Agatha is right beside Penny’s office now. Penny herself is backing up against a wall and fumbling around wildly with her hands; Agatha smirks, gives her a thumbs-up from behind David’s back, and takes the opportunity to duck into her office.

The cuffs. They were in a drawer here somewhere. Through the thrum of her rapidly beating heart Agatha realizes that this is it. If she can’t find these cuffs…

She and Penny might die. 

That can’t happen. Not now when they’ve just started to be happy together.

The bottom right drawer, that was what Penny had said when she first signed on.  _ Agatha, if you ever happen to need them, I have handcuffs in my office — bottom right drawer… _

Or had it been bottom left?

No, it was bottom right. Bottom right, bottom right.

“Just be still, silly girl,” she hears from outside. Heart threatening to beat out of its chest, Agatha opens the bottom right drawer and does a bit of rummaging for the cuffs.

For a few moments, fear grips her heart; what if it was bottom left after all? Now she might be too late —

And then she feels the cool finish of metal. The cuffs.

Agatha hears a scream and the sound of something spraying. So Penny had found the pepper spray after all.

Agatha bursts back into the main room and takes advantage of David’s incapacitated state to get the cuffs onto his wrists. 

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. Penny has her back against the wall, breathing heavily.

Agatha takes her by the neck and gives her a long kiss. 

Finally, finally: they’re done.


	15. xv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our disasters get the happy ending they deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH it's finally done and I don't really know if this ending is good or not but I love y'all so much for reading and liking and commenting <3 tysm for the ride loves! I have more fics coming up, but I probably won't post any bigger fics any time soon (at least not until I've finished writing)  
> yell at me on Tumblr at [@inejghafai.](https://inejghafai.tumblr.com)

Things after that just… happen.

Simon and Baz get back half an hour after Mage has been restrained. With their evidence as well as his attempted murder of Agatha and Penny, he’s going to be in jail for a long time.

Penny takes over Mage Mysteries and renames it  _ Bunce’s Private Eye.  _ Baz mourns the alliteration but not the man. 

And things start looking up. Baz and Penny still meet up, but not for the reasons they used to. Instead of complaining, they’re gushing now.

Because Baz and Simon are dating, and so are Penelope and Agatha. Things feel perfect on that front. Smiling and laughing and plenty of joking and even more kissing.

Baz gets everyone from Pitch P.I. and Bunce’s Private Eye to agree to go out for ice cream. In the invitation, he just said  _ Because we deserve it. _

So here they are: Baz, Dev and Niall with Simon, Penny, and Agatha. Together. Having fun.

Rebuilding bridges burnt long ago.

—

“I like my soda  _ still, _ ” Dev insists. “Fizz tastes so bad. It burns my tongue.”

“You’re also a pussy,” Niall says, rolling his eyes. “It’s meant to be fizzy.”

“It’s supposed to come out through your nose.” Penny sounds scandalized. 

“I have sensitive taste buds,” Dev scoffs primly. 

“ _ Coward, _ ” Niall whispers. 

“I didn’t ask to be attacked like this!”

“You brought it upon yourself,” Baz says, joining in. “Heathen.”

“We don’t need to be talking about soda when the real crime is pineapples on pizza,” Simon points out. “They just don’t  _ belong there. _ ”

“I don’t know if I can kiss you anymore. You, too, are a coward,” Baz proclaims. “Too cowardly to let pineapples eat your tastebuds.”

“Pizza is for pepperoni.” Dev is siding with Simon. So it seems everyone else will turn against him. “And I stand by what I said.”

Penny, who is vegetarian, narrows her eyes and says, “You don’t deserve pizza. You all don’t appreciate fruits and fucking vegetables.”

“Fuck off and let me enjoy my pepperoni.”

Penny takes a long bit of her Rocky Road ice cream. It’s meant to be a parallel to sipping  _ chai  _ condescendingly at someone. “You just don’t know how to season your vegetables. White people.”

Dev has to concede at that. Frankly, so does everyone else.

_ fin _


End file.
